Are we there yet?

  Ok, I already hate this and it’s only January 3^rd!   I know that this is yet another chance to redeem myself and to finally, finally bring myself to where I want to be, but I’m still in holiday mode and grudgingly exiting the land of candy canes, cookies, sleeping in late and having my whole family with me everyday, it just went too darn fast!.  I’m embarking on what I hope will be the answer for me.  I’m 249.5 pounds as of 2 days ago, I reluctantly put that number out there but in order for me to really do this, and I have to not be afraid of what other people think.  I’m very overweight and I don’t like it or who I’ve become.  It would be easy to lie and say that I had been skinny, and then got fat when I had Jordan, but the truth is, I USED to be skinny a long time ago, around 29 I started gaining weight and by 30, it was out of control. I have been overweight (fat) since I was 30 years old so I think that I can safely say that I have owned this for 18 years, this is totally me, no smoke, no mirrors just me. 

Here I am on the other side of 2010 trying to find my motivation.  I practically od’ed on Oprah magazine and Oprah TV for the past 2 days so when I woke up this morning, I felt pretty good and positive.  No gym today, the Wii fit instead, for a full 15 minutes and I actually broke a sweat!  Now in the leaning hours of the day, I feel like I’m standing at the base of Everest, looking up and seeing that I still have a very long way to climb. I slump my shoulders. I’m nervous and filled with dread and doubt that yet again I won’t make it, I will fail and another year will pass me by with no results, no successes, only frustration and anger with myself.  I’m already tired and I just started, I just feel, ugh.  I want it to be the Christmas season over again, lights, food, all that great music I want it back; but as it’s been said, “time waits for no one” so I MUST embrace 2011 even if I don’t want to.

As of today, I’m a 249.5 pound, mother/wife who is an artist/writer/DVD slide show producer/and healthy slim girl in training who has an abiding faith in God; for now, that is the only truth I know.  I will relinquish my cocoon, put on my SUPER big girl pants, and take down my Christmas tree...on Friday.