When a storm is brewing, there's nowhere to hide

Rough patches will cause you to occasionally think that your goals will never happen.  This has been my experience for the past 2 weeks, feeling defeated.  The change of eating contributes to it, but mostly it’s been other things.  I’m sure that “things” are responsible for many a lost goal of broken dream. 

I wished I was in a better place in my head, I wished that life would not interfere with my journey, but what kind of journey would it be if it were always easy.  I can totally relate to Langston “life for me ain’t been no crystal stair”, he certainly hit the nail on the head; my life has always been a series of challenges.  I have never had the great pleasure of just relaxing and enjoying my time in the sun, because with every bit of sunshine, there was almost a guarantee of rain coming very soon afterward. 

I have always wondered how it would feel to have everything you ever wanted, to have things always go your way, to never have a doubt that you will have great fortune, what must that feel like?  I wished someone would write a book about that sort of charmed life so that I could live vicariously through them if nothing else.  I’ve never had it easy, never been able to rest on my laurels, because there weren’t any, never had a situation go right the first time, there has always been a hurdle, a challenge, a delay etc. I’ve heard that it “builds character” to have your life take so many dips and dives, but it can also make you very weary.  I am weary.

So I’m making due with trying to change my life all while living my life, difficulties and all and despite everything, 2 pounds are gone.   Gone for good? Probably not, but at least they took a vacation on someone else’s butt for now.

First weekend eating at 3 hour intervals, not quite the success I had hoped for, but today I’m right back to my new routine.  I have discovered a WONDERFUL 3 hour mini meal, Evol mini burritos and Olive Valley falafel sticks!  Super Yummy!

The burritos have 180 calories, 8 grams of protein and 2 grams of fiber, I had this and a couple of Olive Valley Falafel sticks  (there are 8 in a package) and at 2 servings per package, you can eat a couple of them with the burritos to round out the meal. You’re getting plenty of fiber and protein and it’s good healthy food. I know not everyone loves the so called "healthier" foods, so if you're not use to eating different types foods, just choose a few things at a time to try and taste them when you're not hungry so that you'll get a real taste for what you're eating.  Most foods will taste good when you're starving.

First weekend eating at 3 hour intervals, not quite the success I had hoped for, but today, I’m right back to my new routine.  I have discovered a WONDERFUL 3 hour mini meal, Evol mini burritos and Falafel sticks! 

Super Yummy, 180 carlories, 8 grams of protein and 2 grams of fiber, I had this and a couple of Olive Valley Falafel sticks  (there are 8 in a package and at 2 servings per package, you can eat 2 of them with the burritos and it completes the meal, you’re getting plenty of fiber, protein and it’s good healthy food!

I'm a pretty regular reader of Oprah magazine, there's an article in her November issue that talks about weight loss. Most of the articles I read in Oprah with regards to weight loss are spirituality based, and this is yet another article like that. I'll be honest with you; I don't always get what they mean.  A woman by the name of Geneen Roth appeared on Oprah a few months back to talk about her book “Women, Food and God” and after she spoke for an hour with Oprah I realized I hadn’t a clue what she was talking about.  Maybe I’ve watched too much reality TV but some of the “loftier” ideals with regard to losing weight went right over my head.  So here is yet another article in Oprah Mag, this time by Maryanne Williamson.  She talks about how we eat our feelings and how we disguise what's really wrong with us by eating too much food, etc, etc.   Maybe it's just me, , I don’t enjoy it.   That’s not to say there aren’t some foods that still taste good to me, but most things are just so so, not exciting at all.  I watched the movie “Eat, Pray, Love”; I had the book but didn’t get time to read it before the movie came out on DVD.  Forgive me, but the movie bored me to tears, except the part when she talked about enjoying her food again (that still didn’t justify the rest of the movie, zzz…)  What that snippet of the movie made me realize was that I need to also find my “hunger” again.

I decided to try to eat every three hours because in the past I would drink a cup of coffee or have a bowl oatmeal or grits in the morning and pretty much wouldn’t eat again until very late in the evening.  I believe this has been my biggest issue. I just really don't like to eat very much. So then the question is; why am I so heavy? Why am I overweight?  I have a theory, I believe some of it comes from the fact that I don't eat when I'm supposed.   I rarely see any diet information that talks about your body’s starvation mode (if you don’t eat your body won’t release anything for fear it will starve)   Nobody ever mentions that, nobody talks about the fact that you need to eat to live, nobody talks about grazing and eating all day it's all about losing weight by not eating too much.  I have had absolutely no hunger pangs for longer then I can say, I could literally go all day and if I never put a morsel of food in my mouth, I never get hungry.

This wasn't always the case; I probably was a serious overeater at some point in my life, but I tend to eat too much of the good stuff, avocados, soft cheeses, veggies doused in olive oil etc.  The things I still “do” like tend to me healthier, but since I don’t eat all day, I eat too much healthy stuff.  (YAY QUINOA!) Once I did Weight Watchers and I lost 40 pounds, but I didn't keep the weight off because I thought that I had a handle on how to deal with my eating habits.

What I didn't realize is a lot of the reasons why Weight Watchers worked is because it required me to eat all day long in order to get the points. It never dawned on me that eating all day is probably what helped me lose the weight. So I guess I'm have a unique situation in a world of dieting that is tailored to people who overeat junkie stuff, I just don’t eat at proper intervals which can causes me to binge on the healthy things I like after a long day of NOT eating.   A few years back Jorge Cruise wrote a book called “The Three Hour Diet”; his philosophy was to feed your body all day long to fuel your metabolism.

He is one of the few people in the industry who address the problem of metabolism and eating habits and how they can affect weight loss. I started eating every three hours on January 4, 2011, and I can say that I get hungry now, not starving but hungry and I can tell you I have not felt genuine hunger in years.  So there is something to this I believe, the key however is not to eat too much at any given meal. I saw Bethenny Frankel on an ABC show about weight loss a few days ago and she had some very sage advice, she said when you look at a plate of French fries, take just a few (10 or so) to really satisfy the craving, the first 10 will satisfy the craving, the next 50 or so are counterproductive. I’m sure she said it better then I just did, but I got that!  

I don’t need to “self analyze” my whole life or my feelings every time I eat, I just need to eat enough to satisfy the craving, really ask myself do I need 50 (sweet potato) fries or do I just need 10, I’m still eating fries either way.   So I’ve learned:  1. I have to eat in order to become hungry when I’m supposed to.  2. When I don’t eat all day I am ravenous and will possibly eat too much even if its healthy stuff it’s still too much.  3. If I ever am ravenous again, eat only enough to relieve the craving, not the whole plate because it’s counter-productive. 

Great Advice that I DO get!

This is my brother Thomas, he’s deployed in Afghanistan and this is a picture is him goofing around.  He always puts a little humor into his Facebook posts and letters, but I know that it’s to mask his true feelings of being lonely and homesick.

This picture puts things into perspective for me.  Here I am struggling with my weight and motivation issues, but in stark contrast, here he is struggling with being in a foreign land where people hate him, dodging bullets and sleeping in a tent with all sorts of creepy creatures.  By comparison, I have a charmed life.

I just wanted to shout out to my brother and all the other brothers, sons, husbands, daughters, sisters and wives who are protecting us over there. Thank you.

Sometimes when you're in a fight, you have to choose the right weapons.  Why do I consider what I'm doing a fight? Because when I don’t think of it as a fight, I never win.  Feeling like a victim is easy to do I've had lots of practice, but finally I realized that I don't have to be a victim, I have to do something about what I don’t like in my life.

I think a lot of times we fall short because we don't expect to do any better, we fall short because we don’t free ourselves to move in a new direction.

For years I thought of myself as not being able to control the issue of my weight and lack of successes in my business and I just kind wallowed in my own self-pity.   I have a great business, even though I don't have a great business model, and  I know that I’m talented, but a lot of times I just let the weight and the lack of success control my behavior and how I see myself.

A lot of people stop dreaming they say, “It’s just too hard it's too difficult!”  Trust me I have tried many times to give up my dreams also.  What I can say about that option is “it doesn't work for me".  It's funny I've been so addicted to the new “Oprah Network”  and I was watching a segment where she's talking to her producers and she was discussing an “aha” moment that she had when Wynonna Judd was a guest on her show. Apparently Wynonna said that she uses the phrase “that doesn’t work for me” Oprah was overwhelmingly excited about that phrase which totally puzzled me.  She's been on television for 25 years, she is the most successful female entrepreneur and mogul EVER, yet “this doesn't work for me” has never crossed mind?  Don’t know about you, but I thought that would be something she said ALL the time!  What I took from watching that segment is, even Oprah, someone I've admired for many, many years still can realize that things don't work for her; even someone like her can have a revelation.

So what I do know is that my life has been a good life, but some aspects have not been great and also not fulfilling for me and therefore “do not work for me”.

I've had  many dreams for many years and I work and work towards those dreams only for them never to come to fruition the average person would have given up along time ago, but not me and I wondered why; my revelation?  “I can’t give up”

My Uncle Bubba (God rest) always said this poem “God Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference”.  Well in the past few weeks, I’ve been getting these cosmic messages.  Every television show, magazine, commercial etc. all speak to me about not giving up and continuing to dream.  What I now realize is, “I can't give up because I just don’t know how to”. I’ve actually tried many times to put my dreams aside, but every time, the “God-driven” universe puts me right back on the path whether I like it or not and bombards me with messages from everywhere to make sure I stay on it.  So I'm always driven back, I'm driven back to my art I'm driven back to losing weight, I'm driven back to everything and I simply do not have the ability to give up, so instead, I plan to fight.

I’ve chosen my weapons carefully; I have my vitamins, I’m eating small meals every 3 hours and to assure that I don’t mess up on that I set an alarm to remind me to eat, I have my inspirational devotionals, I'm creating art, writing and I’m exercising again. I’m learning how to live my life like a winner because I am.

  Ok, I already hate this and it’s only January 3^rd!   I know that this is yet another chance to redeem myself and to finally, finally bring myself to where I want to be, but I’m still in holiday mode and grudgingly exiting the land of candy canes, cookies, sleeping in late and having my whole family with me everyday, it just went too darn fast!.  I’m embarking on what I hope will be the answer for me.  I’m 249.5 pounds as of 2 days ago, I reluctantly put that number out there but in order for me to really do this, and I have to not be afraid of what other people think.  I’m very overweight and I don’t like it or who I’ve become.  It would be easy to lie and say that I had been skinny, and then got fat when I had Jordan, but the truth is, I USED to be skinny a long time ago, around 29 I started gaining weight and by 30, it was out of control. I have been overweight (fat) since I was 30 years old so I think that I can safely say that I have owned this for 18 years, this is totally me, no smoke, no mirrors just me. 

Here I am on the other side of 2010 trying to find my motivation.  I practically od’ed on Oprah magazine and Oprah TV for the past 2 days so when I woke up this morning, I felt pretty good and positive.  No gym today, the Wii fit instead, for a full 15 minutes and I actually broke a sweat!  Now in the leaning hours of the day, I feel like I’m standing at the base of Everest, looking up and seeing that I still have a very long way to climb. I slump my shoulders. I’m nervous and filled with dread and doubt that yet again I won’t make it, I will fail and another year will pass me by with no results, no successes, only frustration and anger with myself.  I’m already tired and I just started, I just feel, ugh.  I want it to be the Christmas season over again, lights, food, all that great music I want it back; but as it’s been said, “time waits for no one” so I MUST embrace 2011 even if I don’t want to.

As of today, I’m a 249.5 pound, mother/wife who is an artist/writer/DVD slide show producer/and healthy slim girl in training who has an abiding faith in God; for now, that is the only truth I know.  I will relinquish my cocoon, put on my SUPER big girl pants, and take down my Christmas tree...on Friday.

I'm a born again blogger!  Yes, that's right, I'm here, its' 2011 so once again I'm putting my emotions and thoughts into a bottle and floating them out onto the cyber-sea hoping that someone will find them.  I've been away so long that when I started this post, I was somehow typing it in Hindu!  How the heck did that happen?  Well there were apparently some serious changes made to Blogger in the years since I posted last.  I've been hard at work trying to make a life and since that didn't work, here I am again...Naw, just kidding, this IS part of my life and I should take it as seriously as I do anything else, because it's about me.

There in lies the issue, I neglect things that are for me sometimes, the only things that I do for me are related to my art or writing or slide shows etc.  I will buy software before I get a pedicure, I will buy crafts instead of cologne, I just don't have any interest outside of creating things, that makes me somewhat of a "freak" I know, but it's who I am and after so many years on the planet, I'm finally at a point where I like some aspects of me.  

So now I'm on a mission to start liking the rest of me.  I don't imagine that the artist in me will change, but I'm hoping that my fears and hesitations will go away and take along with it some of my "girth".  I know, it sounds TOO cliche', but there really isn't any other way to put it  I've been LOST, I don't know who I am anymore, I don't know how to get what I want and I certainly don't want to remain this way, so I'm making an valiant, desperate effort to make the major changes that I need to make, the first one is to blog and be HONEST about it. 

I'm a little old school and while I love and embrace technology, I feel like my personal life is the last bastion of security and safety.  I'm essentially putting it all out there for the entire world to see and I can tell you, that in and of itself is a very daunting thing to do. Downright scary! 

Oh how I wish I had the wreckless abandon of a Snooki or a Situation, but  alas I don't. What I do have is a heart that feels there are others, just like me, grasping at any way to get back to who they used to be, and maybe what I have to say will matter not only to me, but to them too. So call me a guinea pig and throw me out there, I'm ready to go!

Thanks for welcoming me back into the blogging fold, "the journey is in full swing"
...dang, another cliche! Oh well, it works for Oprah right?  :-)